You obviously have a hundred reasons to be annoyed and upset with me and I can completely understand that.
I’m not sure how else to reach out to you at this point, because the past several weeks I’ve noticed you distancing yourself from me.
I am a very flawed person. I am reckless and very emotional.
I know the tools and I haven’t fully used them to the best of my ability.
I can really only say that I’m sorry at this point. Buying you roses or a card isn’t going to fix any of the damage that I have caused not only to you, but my other girls, and my dad especially.
I know that I will learn from this situation and I am going to take the full consequences without arguing. But I’m especially sorry to you that you’ve had to sit by and watch your best friend deteriorate.
In a way, it’s a lot like how I am with my mom - sometimes I get too hopeful that she’s healthier and that she’s changed but out of nowhere she’ll do something to crush all of those hopes, only to make me question my own faith, trust, and endurance.
I understand that maybe now the relationship I have created with you might feel toxic, like a neverending rollercoaster.
I know we used to joke and love that we rode that coaster together in high school but I know that you’re moving onto a chapter in which you’re fed up with those rides while I still tend to go on them again and again.
I am proud that I can acknowledge all of these flaws.
Because even a month and a half ago, the night I decided to get sober while I was on the phone with you and Val - I remember I fought you on so many things when you first called me out on my issues.
But you’ve always been great about that.
You’ve always seen things about me and my life before they even happened. Why I never fully listened? I do not know.
I’m really rambling at this point, but I also just want to say that you can take as much time away from me as you need.
I will have no resentments.
I’ve turned into your Erik. I’m that friend that keeps fucking up over and over again. And we both know I don’t want to be that girl.
I know one thought that you might have is that I keep saying the right things but never making the right decisions.
All I can really say to that, is that I’m living and learning even though patience and tolerance is running very short amount my support system (you, Val, Iana, my dad, my counselors, Bianca, etc).
I know everyone is fed up.
I love you.
And I’m thankful to know that you and I are connected.
I hope you’re doing ok.
And again, I’m sorry.
I know we’ve had our bumps…sometimes those bumps felt like mountains, but it’s amazing that we got through it all and we continue to fight.
I know that I’m no perfect princess, although the life I live sometimes demands it of me - but you look past my flaws.
I know you’re always there whether it be a phone call in the middle of the night, or holding me in arms of refuge when I feel that everything else is crumbling around me.
You’ve shown me a different side to this “beautiful chaos” that I choose to indulge in from time to time and you’ve opened my eyes to a different life - one in which God and love can help lead my way.
I’m not yet a changed woman, but I do know that through my sobriety you’ve helped me feel comfortable.
Especially when you tell me, “Everything will be okay. You’re exactly where you need to be.”
And it’s true.
Thank you for never asking too many questions especially when my logic may never truly add up.
I love you - no matter what, to the end,
You just called me from prison. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for a long time, maybe even never again. I know it feels like I set you up, I know that trust has been broken. But you have to take into perspective what I’ve been getting involved in.
The night you got arrested, you told me in the car that it would kill you if I got hurt or in trouble for the things you’re doing. It’s already happened. It’s still happening. I don’t blame you for anything, and I’m not trying to point a finger at you by writing this, but your “friends” are the ones who broke into my home. That not only put me in danger, but it put my dad in its path as well.
My dad is a wreck. He’s in shock after learning about the environment and people I’ve been surrounding myself with. Looking back at everything now, I’m to blame as well. Because at the end of the day, I encouraged what you were doing. The drugs, the partying, the reckless behavior…I stood on the side without noticing the slow escalation that was occurring. I got involved a long time ago.
And now I’m at my bottom. The moment they drove you away in that police car, I broke in a way that I had never fathomed. I never wanted to see that happen to you. My heart was breaking, the reality of what we’ve been doing these past few months finally sunk in, and I crashed. Here I am, going to AA meetings, thinking about you every single day, repairing a very damaged relationship with my dad, staying away from drugs, and trying to figure out why the hell I’ve been put here.
There’s a lot that we both need to be thinking about. In regards to the trust between us, we’ve both abused that word. We need to be honest. I don’t want to hear “don’t worry about it” ever again. This isn’t something that you need to fix. This is something we have to fix together. I know that when we broke up, you were saying that you needed to get your life together. This isn’t just about you anymore. We’ve both messed up time and time again. This picture is too big for someone to manage alone. My soul is connected to yours as much as yours is with mine. During this time apart, we need to grow up.
After everything, I still love you. Don’t you forget that. There isn’t another girl in this world that would still feel the same for you after all of this. I know exactly who you are. I know every curve of your skin, I know your scars, I know the black wolf and the white wolf, I know your perfections, I know your flaws. And I love every bit of it. Accept it. Burn it into your mind that no matter what others say, no matter the hardships that will come our way - there is a girl in Wilmette that loves you unconditionally.
I hope you hear me singing to you late at night,
I went to my first meeting tonight. I’m still so touched. I’m already changed. I’m not better yet, but I’m feeling less alone. The individuals that spoke to me tonight understand how I’ve felt before. They understand what it’s like to feel like you have to prove something to someone else. They understand how tempting the drugs can be, how the thrill can be.
I am an addict. Not as big as the stereotype can infer, but I am. I have a problem and I want to fix it. I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to ruin this for myself. I don’t want to ruin this for the people around me that still care.
This isn’t about him anymore. This is all about me. And that feels amazing. Because realizing it now, I will get to a point where every time I see a drug, every time I hear about a drug, I will think, “That is what took him away from me. That is what ruined my happiness. And that is what almost tore my dad and I apart.”
Heroine and Vodka Queen gave me a huge intervention tonight. I have done things to myself within this past week that I will never be proud of, things that would probably break your heart. I have not been respecting myself. I know that you’re not the root of my problem. You never have been. But your best friend was right when he told me, “The problem is that you think he’s your problem.” I can’t fix you. As much as everyone wants the lyrics to Fix You by Coldplay to come to life, that’s a complete fantasy. I have to fix myself. Not for you, my friends, my dad…I have to do this for me.
My talk with Heroine and Vodka Queen brought me to a point where I bursted into tears. I asked Sara, “How did I get to be like this? Where did I go? I used to be so vibrant. I used to be so happy.” Heroine, of all people, knows exactly what I’m talking about. Before you met me, I used to wake up every morning with nothing but smiles. I used to say hello to everyone, and I was determined to make new friends everyday. I used to find the perfections in everybody. I used to walk down the hallways singing at the top of my lungs, not having a care of how crazy I might have looked. I used to run around at concerts. I used to crave adventure and new places. I used to look in the mirror and actually love myself.
There’s still glimpses of that girl but I’m running on artificial happiness. I’m trying to fight for some dream that’s actually a nightmare. I’m trying to control everything around me while letting myself slip up and get out of sync. When you were in rehab, I remember Heroine asking me when I was planning on going back into the rave scene. I looked at her wide-eyed and said something like, “Are you kidding me? I care about Lonewolf. I would never want to scare him, I would never want to bring him back down with me.” And that’s exactly what I did two weeks ago.
I have shaped myself around you. Instead of staying strong, vibrant, and inspired. I have somehow let myself feel like I have to prove something to you every single day. And that’s so wrong. The only person I should be proving things to is myself. So maybe us parting ways for now was in the cards. Even if I didn’t have that bad trip on those pills, we would have fought sooner or later and blown up just the same.
But I’m sorry you had to see me at such a low. I’m sorry that one of the freshest memories you have of me was that moment sitting on that picnic bench.
I wish I could have just found it in myself to peacefully smile, kiss your cheek, understand, and walk away. However, I am no saint.
I still love you all the same. No matter what you decide to do, you still know that my ringtone is on day and night. But this is the last you’ll be hearing from me for awhile. I’ve been hurting myself. I’ve been disrespecting myself. I have so much in front of me that I’ve been letting go to waste. I can’t fight for a relationship, I can’t fight for you when I don’t even know how to fight off the demons in my own head and the skeletons in my closet. I can’t be sitting around an apartment, getting tipsy and high. Although I’m at the prime age of my life, it’s also the age that can make or break my future.
And I do want you to be in that future, Lonewolf. But we happened too soon. We happened before either of us got our lives in check. The only time our future can ever happen is if we both take sobriety seriously and learn to respect ourselves. I’m not asking anything of you in this letter. I’m writing this so you know what page I’m going to be on.
Because we never really did have any closure. You can hate me all you want, you can focus on all of my flaws, you can make me look like a crazy ex girlfriend in your mind. I won’t resent you if that’s what you feel needs to be done in order for you to feel like you’re moving forward with your life, then so be it.
The almost two months I had with you and the summer before that…I know there were some bumps, but I have no regrets. Because for a time, I was the happiest girl in the world. Every hour spent rolling around grassy fields in the middle of nowhere. Every adventure in the city with stolen cars, and late night trains. Every night spent wide awake, feeling each other’s warmth in my room. Every soft-voiced phonecall, sweetly singing and telling each other it would all be okay in the end. And that’s so true - it will be okay in the end. Because right now, things aren’t okay, which means it’s not the end.
I really do wish you all the best. You know I’ve always just wanted you to smile. Because you’re still so strong and bright. And no matter what anyone tells you, you still have such a huge, genuine heart. The Lonewolf that wrote that laminated letter to you from rehab…don’t forget about him. He cares about you as much as I do, if not more. Don’t lose sight of him. Talk to him.
And talk to God. I’ve promised myself to start going to church every Sunday with my dad again. God sees and knows everything. And he loves you no matter what. He loves you so much. Don’t forget that.
Alright, well…I guess that’s it. It’s time for me to wrap this up. Time for me to be as kawaii as I can be. ‘Cause that’s totally a thing these days. Haha. Hopefully that made you smile a bit.
Keep your head up, babe.
We can do this.
Always your bumble bee,
You’re a lost cause.
I’ve talked to most of your true friends the past couple days and none of them care about you anymore.
I need to finally do something for myself.
So, I’m removing myself from the situation.
I won’t be fighting to get you back this time.
I’m going to stand on the side and watch you burn down every single bridge in your life.
I need higher standards.
I’m going to meet someone someday that will always make me feel beautiful, respected, treasured.
But I know this will be difficult.
I know I may slip up.
Because there will come a day when you realize that you have hit the bottom and that you are alone.
That may take a long time, but I know I’ll be getting that phonecall in the middle of the night.
I’ll hear that deep, soft voice telling me that you’re sorry and that you messed up, asking me to come back because you can’t do this without me.
I just hope when that happens, I’ll be stronger and that I’ll be able to break the cycle.
Not a moment goes by when I don’t wonder what you’re doing.
Not a day goes by where I don’t worry about when you’re really going to relapse.
I’m always going to care and we both know that.
But it’s time to stop showing that I do.
Welcome to the single life,
It’s been over a month since I’ve written a letter here.
I feel that I’ve been dealt a troublesome hand of cards.
I love you. And that scares me.
You hold my heart in your big rough hands and from time to time, I feel that you forget that.
I never ask much from you, I feel like. I just ask that you think about me when we’re not together.
But it’s always been about you.
I’ve always just wanted you to be happy, for you to genuinely smile.
It’s always about when you want to talk, when you want to go to a party, when you want to take time away from each other.
I never have a say because when there’s a problem, you run the other direction and tune me out.
I just want to see you. I want you to tell me that you missed me.
I want to get past all of this bullshit.
I want my dad to accept us.
I want to stop feeling so stressed.
I want to stop thinking that everything I do is the wrong move.
Can you just let me get lost in you?
Is that too much to ask?
Still figuring out my hand,
“We’ll lay in the grass and roll around together. I’ll roll on top of you, look into your eyes, and kiss you and hug you. And I’ll tell you that I want to be in this moment forever. And you’ll think that I’m lying. But I’ll know it’s the truth.”
I cried after you said those things to me that night.
And what kills me is that that’s exactly what happened three days ago.
Three days is all it takes, all it takes for my heart to break.
I still love you.
But I can’t ever go back.
You are a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole.
You haven’t changed at all. You may be clean, but you are still so mentally fucked up.
I hope you never find happiness with someone again.
I hope you remain alone, rotting in your own misery.
Because of you, I can’t look at others the same ever again.
I curse the first night you ever called me a year and a half ago.
I curse the first letters ever sent.
Go fuck yourself.
Never again your bumble bee,
I’ve always had an “Amanda” inside of my heart.
She’s the little girl - the naive child that sat in her room playing with her action figures while she blocked out the sounds of her parents yelling in the dining room.
She’s the little girl - the one who still runs straight into the dark without thinking about the monsters she may meet.
She’s the little girl - the princess that doesn’t want to be saved, but the one that aims to save the prince from the evil shadows under his bed.
But this prince was different.
This prince is sick.
He has the nicest, deepest voice and every flaw she ever wanted in her life.
He was grown from nothing, and experienced everything.
Amanda thought she could paint the world with him - paint it whatever colors they wanted.
But he’s lost.
He doesn’t know what he wants and he’s giving into the demons in his head.
It’s ok to cry.
It’s ok to miss him every second.
And it’s ok to find reminders of him within the smallest things in your life.
Just remember that somewhere he hates himself - something that you’ve never wished upon him.
And maybe it’s true; maybe this was all a lie and he really never did love you the way he had painted.
Maybe he’s just that sick.
But you’re never going to be angry.
Because you know that at one point, you did save him.
So this is me reflecting.
This is me telling you/myself that you need to save yourself.
And don’t let him pull you back into the darkness, no matter what he says.
And when the time comes, he’ll let you pull him into the light.
I’m not trying to get a last word in. You asked me to make a choice tonight.
I’m choosing to walk away.
I was moments away from saying that to you but you had to go call me and bitch me out.
You need to love yourself.
I don’t want you to love me. I
understand now what you mean by a love/hate relationship.
But you’re good.
You’re really good at this whole nice guy act. You need to pick a mask and wear it right.
Maybe I am a naive little girl.
But I’d rather be naive and run straight into the dark than be an egocentric little boy that acts like he’s got nothing to lose when in reality, it’s his fears that bounce around his head at night.
This is good bye.
Down the road, we will probably meet again, but this moon doesn’t want to shine for a black wolf.
Misery loves its company, sweetie; say hello for me because after all of those spiteful things you said, I know exactly where your head is at.
I can’t do this alone.
I’m just going crazy.
This relationship is going to be so difficult for me.
I’m waiting for you to come home at the end of September, I’m waiting for you to call me in the middle of the night, I’m waiting for the next time I can see you.
I’m fucking waiting.
And I’m impatient.
I know there are girls that wish they could have a boy to call their own - but I’m going crazy just waiting.
And when you get home, we don’t even know how much time we’ll be able to spend between your job, our families, my school, and maybe my job (if I get one).
I’m crazy about you.
And I know you’re going to be around for awhile.
But when will this get easy?
When can I just have you for myself always?
I helped your brother and his best friend through some drama tonight.
Your brother is making his best friend feel the exact same way you made me feel months ago.
And I feel her pain and confusion so much.
But I made your brother promise that he won’t do to her what you did to me.
Because he saw it all happen and he still sees the damage today.
It just really makes me think.
It makes me realize that I really don’t have a best friend anymore.
It makes me realize that maybe in a few months, you’ll just be somebody I used to know.
I want to call you right now, and just talk.
Talk how we used to before bed - about everything and anything.
But I know that you haven’t changed.
And I know that when that phonecall ends, the reality of the situations will sink in again and I’ll still feel the emptiness.
I know you won’t change.
And I know that I’m changing already.